[Warning: This post contains references to baby by-products]
Vignette #238234565 – week 15, 10pm the night feed
Me: When you go to wake him up, try not to just flick the light on and boom with your voice, he really startles when you do that – you don’t want him to get jumpy do you? We need to ease him into waking up calmly.
Brendon: Okay. *leaves the room walks up stairs* Gussy I’m coming to get you. Gussy I’m walking up the stairs now. Gussy I’m coming…
Me: I didn’t mean like that!
Brendon: Gus your mother doesn’t want me to wake you up too quickly.
Me: Gus I thought your father didn’t want us to talk through you.
Brendon: Gus, your mother is right as usual.
Vignette #238234321 – week 14, Saturday in the lounge
Me: Bren he’s watching TV again please turn his head away.
Brendon: Gus, you’re too small to be watching TV my boy.
Me: He can still see it Bren. Please switch it off. He likes to play, give him some toys, interact with him. Looking after him means you don’t get to watch TV!
Brendon: Gus, your mother is right as usual…
Vignette #238238976 – week 11, at baby swimming classes
Me: Check how chubby Gus is – just look at all those fat rolls!
Brendon: He’s got man boobs.
Me: Don’t be silly he’s not a man, he has baby boobs.
Vignette #238238767 – week 9
Brendon: Do you know what they need to invent?
Me: Tell me.
Brendon: A sleep suit with a handle on the back so you can just pick the baby up that way.
Me: I’m sure it will be a hit with the Health and Safety folk…
Vignette #238233456 – week 10
Brendon: I just went through three nappies to change him.
Brendon: Well I changed him and then there was wet underneath and everywhere on his clothes and inside the new nappy, so he must have made a stealth pee. So I had to change him again and just as I put on the new nappy he made a poo.
Me: *giggles* Was that wet not the water from the cotton balls?
Brendon: No it was pee. Go ahead. Just laugh at my misfortune…
Vignette #238234409 – week 11
Me: Do you also love Gus more now than you did when he was born?
Brendon: Yes, it’s weird but I do.
Me: I didn’t think I could love him more.
Brendon: Me neither. It’s cool.
Vignette #238238655 – week 13, bathtime
Me: *singing* Old MacDonald had a farm hee hi hee hi ho.
Brendon: Gus, your mother shouldn’t talk about herself like that. Middle Aged MacDonald had a farm hee hi hee hi ho. And on that farm she had a Gus hee hi hee hi ho.
Me: *death stare* Hilarious…
Vignette #2382349877 – week 12, first trip at night to restaurant with the baby…in the car in the parking lot…whispering
Me: Okay so he’s asleep now so should we take him out of the carseat and put him in the carry cot then put that on the pram and just wheel that in next to our table?
Brendon: Well I’ve just checked and it’s stairs all the way and the whole family is already there waiting for us.
Me: *curses* okay well what do you think we should do? I don’t want to wake him up!
Brendon: Well there won’t be any space for the carry cot in there, it’s pretty cramped between the tables. Just leave him in the carseat and bring that.
Me: Do you think he will stay asleep? We can’t just put him on the floor can we?
Brendon: Well it will be such a mission to get the pram up the stairs we’ll probably wake him up…
Me: Okay, so we’ll just take the carseat and leave the carry cot and the pram in the car? Just like that?
Brendon: Yes. M, they’re waiting for us…
Me: *flapping* Okay okay I’m just trying to get my head around this. Where’s my phone! Where’s my handbag! Do I look rubbish? Can you just put that extra blanket over the car seat so he stays warm.
[Baby slept in car seat on floor for entire meal, blissfully unaware of all the planning and strategising that went into the trip]
Vignette #23823887533 – week 16, Saturday
Brendon: *walks around room* His eyes following me around the room – look! It’s freaky!
Me: He’s just more aware now, that’s all.
Brendon: *walks out the room* Look his eyes are still on me!
Vignette #2382347544 – week 16
Me: Um, Bren, do you know what happened to the rest of Leo’s tooth?
Brendon: What do you mean?
Me: Well you know his big canine teeth? His left one is a little stump – look!
Brendon: Well how did that happen?
Me: Beats me!
Vignette #2382347520 – week 17
Brendon: I think I should take Gus into the shower with me. He would love it.
Me: I think that’s a really terrible idea. What if you drop him on his head?
Brendon: But I have 50% shares in him, I should have a say in how we raise him.
Me: Yes but I’m the controlling shareholder.